Starting Over- Week 2

Week 1:
Last week was just weird. Between Sunday night's drama and on Mondaywhen I had a panic attack and that was kind of the catalyst for just a terrible week. Friday was a great night. I had a bonfire with my boys and had a few beers and just an all around good time. Things with that guy are done being awkward. Last night he and I sort of had a talk. Yesterday was good too. Kate came over and we took Cocoa on a walk and then we went to Richie's and hung out with him and Sasha. Then Kate, Richie and I went to the drive-in and saw Salt (so good), and part of Inception (good so far). We were too tired to finish Inception but we're going to go back soon. It was such a fun night.

Week 2 Day 1:
So far Week 2 of starting over has been not so good. I got home around 1:30 and didn't fall asleep until around 5 or 6 AM. Then I woke up around 10 AM to a text message from my mom that my dad got hurt during his first race this morning. He's still in the hospital. He broke his collarbone, a few ribs, and one of his lungs sort of collapsed. He's going to be fine. He's having surgery tomorrow to help the collarbone heal faster. He should be home tomorrow, maybe Tuesday. My mom is at the hospital in Rochester with him, my dad's mom and her husband brought the dog home, and my Nana is coming to stay with me and Cocoa for the night. If they don't come home tomorrow then I'm gonna have my mom's friend, Erin, take the dog until they come back. She offered to take her tonight but I think I can handle her.

Week 2 Day 2:
Tomorrow I'm going to work, then tanning on my way home. Then I'll come home, feed the dog, take her on a walk, watch some TV, make and eat dinner, shower, and go to bed. Ugh, this is going to be a long week. I'm going to be going on walks and working out everyday. It's going to be 6 longs days.

I've been getting really excited about being skinny. I have 110 pounds left to go. I just can't wait to watch guys look at me "that way" and not just being the fat girl anymore. I'm getting more and more sick and done with being the fat girl. I feel my fat and get mad. I just want it gone. I can't believe that it took me 20 years to get so sick of it and to finally do something about it. I'm going to be literally working my ass off for the rest of my life so I never have to look in the mirror and want to cry and/or puke again. I'm sick of having to constantly be pulling at my clothes so that no skin is exposed. I'm sick of wearing a size that is higher/the same number as my age. I'm sick of being twice the size of my friends in pictures. I'm tired of being the pale, flabby one. I'm sick of being alone. I'm sick of being buddies with guys. I'm sick of not having girls be jealous of me. I'm sick of hating my body. I'm sick of hating myself. I'm sick of never feeling good and I'm sick of not loving myself. I'm sick of never feeling like I'm good enough.

For now, I'm going to get my notebook and work on my goal/dream book. I'll update you guys on them when I finish them.