So, I'm laying in bed sobbing. I had a bit of an upset today. I weighed myself and I gained 4 pounds. Now, I know that it's not world ending but when added to the other things going on in my life it's just too much to handle right now.
I'm so sick of my job. Don't get me wrong, it's a great job, the pay is incredible, and I adore the people I work with but I work almost 40 hours per week. I never get to see my friends. I'm going to get back to school and be burnt out instead of refreshed and ready to go. My main problem is that I want to pack a ton of friend time into my weekends because they make up a majority of my free time but my friends either work or don't want to hang out. It's frustrating.
I'm so hurt. That guy I mentioned. I'm pretty sure he was just using me (I'm not pretty sure, I'm 99.9999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999% sure)and I'm pretty sure I knew that from the very beginning, subconciously, but I let it happen anyway. I'm just ashamed that I could be stupid enough to think that he would like me. I mean, I'm FAT AS HELL and he could have any girl he wants. I just caught him in a desperate moment. I can't act hurt, I have to act like nothing happened and be normal to save the friendship. WHY? If he cared enough about our friendship he wouldn't have started something he didn't want to finish! My best friend doesn't get it. She gets every guys she wants (and even some she doesn't want) and she's so unattached. I envy her. I wish I wouldn't get attached and could just let stuff happen and then push it away like it never happened. Ugh, I can't believe I let this all get so far.
It just sucks feeling like you're never good enough. When people pay me compliments, I don't believe them. I'm convinced that they're just being nice or can tell when I'm self-concious and are trying to make me feel better. I know it sounds messed up but I feel like getting down to my goal weight is the answer to everything. I keep thinking, "Well, maybe if I was thin, he'd want/like me." or "If I was thin, I would ACTUALLY look good and quit lying to me." I know it's wrong to think this way but losing weight is my ONLY shot at being happy and having a "normal" life and falling in love and getting married and having babies (if I even can [more to come on that])
On the upside, I went on a 4-mile walk with Libby and Landon today. :) It was great. I ran into my ENGL 191 teacher from SCSU while walking around the lake. It was so weird. I'm so tired but I'm proud of us for doing it. I always have fun walking and working out with Libby. She had a baby three months ago and is trying to lose weight too, not as much as I am, but it's nice to not be in this fight alone.
That's why I'm glad I have you guys, my SparkFriends, to help and encourage me. :)
Well, I have to work at 8:30 in the morning so I'm going to go to bed now. Sorry for the extra heavy subject matter tonight guys. I feel like it's going to be like this for a while, at least until I start losing again. I'm going on a walk AND doing Pilates when I get home from work tomorrow. I'm going to be aggressive with the calorie counting and exercising from now on.
I WILL BE THIN. I WILL BE HAPPY. I CAN DO THIS. I DESERVE THIS. I OWE THIS TO MYSELF.
P.S. It's really hard to blog while you're crying, in case you were wondering.
P.S.S. I think I found my wedding song. Listen to "I'm Your's" by The Script. It's perfect.
2 comments:
You know that I've lost a lot of weight in the past, and I can promise you that sometimes you can gain gain 4 pounds (or seem to) even when you're doing everything right. Maybe you drank a lot of water, maybe your period is coming on, maybe you weighed yourself at a different time of the day, maybe you gained some muscle, or maybe that fabulous biological mystery of a machine that is your body just decided to mess with your head a bit. You're going to feel better and look better every day because you're taking care of yourself and the steps forward will be bigger than the steps back. Looking forward to seeing you while we're here (we're in Oakdale now)! -- Lori
My period was coming, that was probably it.
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