I have a lot on my plate right now.
We just moved to our new apartment. I'm unemployed which sucks. It's putting a lot of stress and strain on our relationship, especially since we went to out the bed in our room yesterday and found dust mites in it, so we have to get a new bed. Trevor can't afford a new bed at the moment so for now we're sleeping on the futon mattress on our bedroom floor until we can get a new bed. I'm desperate at this point. I'm willing to accept anything at this point. I'm going to start donating plasma twice per week, which will get my between 50 and 60 dollars per week, which isn't much but it's 50 or 60 dollars per week than I'm making right now. Plus, that money on top of the income of a part-time job will help a lot. Especially since I want to get all of my medical debt paid off by the end of this year. The plasma money will almost cover my rent every month, which will be a big, big help.
I need to drop this weight. I'm tired of feeling ugly and fat and disgusting and worthless. I hate seeing pictures of myself. I was in a best friend's wedding last weekend and I almost vomited when I saw the pictures. I look like such a flabby, nasty, mess. I want to be hot and I want to be sexy, according to my wonderful boyfriend that I do NOT deserve I am hot and sexy, but I want to feel it. I want to see what he and all the other people that tell me I'm beautiful see when I look in the mirror. I'm not happy with the way I look. I weight 30 pounds less than I did when I started this whole journey and I look at pictures to compare the "Before & After" and I can't see any difference.
Here's a picture from the wedding:
I've described it as "Fat Clown Hooker". Ugh, another best friend is getting married in October 2012, I WILL look better for that wedding, I will look AMAZING for that wedding!
I also want to lose weight for drag. I have to wear a binder shirt for drag and the excess fat on my back, chest, and stomach squishes up underneath the binder and looks very square and weird. When I lose weight, hopefully the box effect won't be so severe.
So, I took a break in the middle of writing this blog post to go work out with Kayla. I did the elliptical for 15 minutes and then did strength training for arms and legs. I'm feeling really fired up about this. I know I'm going to be very, very sore in the morning but I'm so glad I made it to the workout room today. I can't wait to go tomorrow, and Wednesday, and Thursday, and Friday.
I just weighed in for the day. I've gained some weight back. I weigh 255 as of today. I'd like to lose 30-50 pounds before 2011 is over. Ideally, I'd like to lose 50, but I feel like that might be a bit excessive. I think 30 is a good starting point, and if I lose more than 30 before the end of the year, hey, I'm not going to complain.
My plan:
*Spend 2 hours per day applying for jobs (equivalent of 6 applications submitted)
*Work out in the workout room for 30 minutes per day 5 times per week
*Do a workout video 5 times per week
*Go on a walk once per week
*Once the pool is open [yes, we have a pool] go swimming or lay out in the sun for at least an hour 3 times per week
*Once I get a job, pay off my bills and old debts, THEN... get new sexy, "skinny" clothes and start dressing the way I want and treat Trevor like a prince, the way he deserves to be treated
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