Can we talk about my feelings now?

I feel disgusting. I hate my body so so so much. In our bathroom in our new apartment the bathroom mirror is almost directly in front of the shower. Every time I get in or out of the shower I have to see my nasty fatness in the mirror. I just want to cry. Then I see Trevor and I wonder how he could ever find me attractive. How does he hug, cuddle, kiss, hold, and for that matter make love to me without vomiting? How can anyone look at me and not see this giant, gelatinous blob rolling around? I think maybe, just maybe if I can lose all this weight people will like me better. Maybe Trevor will love me more, maybe we'll make love more often. I know I'll happier once I lose this weight. I'll actually be able to love myself and believe that I'm worthy of love and being liked.

June 2011 Goals

Weight: 260 pounds

-Lose 10 pounds
-Use the pool at least 5 times
-Get a job
-Go to the gym 3 times per week
-Do a workout DVD twice per week
-Get cell phone turned back on
-Do 100 crunches per day

Back in the saddle... AGAIN!

So, I've been away for a long time. I'm back and here to stay. I'm buckling down [for good this time] and dropping this stupid weight.

I have a lot on my plate right now.

We just moved to our new apartment. I'm unemployed which sucks. It's putting a lot of stress and strain on our relationship, especially since we went to out the bed in our room yesterday and found dust mites in it, so we have to get a new bed. Trevor can't afford a new bed at the moment so for now we're sleeping on the futon mattress on our bedroom floor until we can get a new bed. I'm desperate at this point. I'm willing to accept anything at this point. I'm going to start donating plasma twice per week, which will get my between 50 and 60 dollars per week, which isn't much but it's 50 or 60 dollars per week than I'm making right now. Plus, that money on top of the income of a part-time job will help a lot. Especially since I want to get all of my medical debt paid off by the end of this year. The plasma money will almost cover my rent every month, which will be a big, big help.

I need to drop this weight. I'm tired of feeling ugly and fat and disgusting and worthless. I hate seeing pictures of myself. I was in a best friend's wedding last weekend and I almost vomited when I saw the pictures. I look like such a flabby, nasty, mess. I want to be hot and I want to be sexy, according to my wonderful boyfriend that I do NOT deserve I am hot and sexy, but I want to feel it. I want to see what he and all the other people that tell me I'm beautiful see when I look in the mirror. I'm not happy with the way I look. I weight 30 pounds less than I did when I started this whole journey and I look at pictures to compare the "Before & After" and I can't see any difference.

Here's a picture from the wedding:

I've described it as "Fat Clown Hooker". Ugh, another best friend is getting married in October 2012, I WILL look better for that wedding, I will look AMAZING for that wedding!

I also want to lose weight for drag. I have to wear a binder shirt for drag and the excess fat on my back, chest, and stomach squishes up underneath the binder and looks very square and weird. When I lose weight, hopefully the box effect won't be so severe.

So, I took a break in the middle of writing this blog post to go work out with Kayla. I did the elliptical for 15 minutes and then did strength training for arms and legs. I'm feeling really fired up about this. I know I'm going to be very, very sore in the morning but I'm so glad I made it to the workout room today. I can't wait to go tomorrow, and Wednesday, and Thursday, and Friday.

I just weighed in for the day. I've gained some weight back. I weigh 255 as of today. I'd like to lose 30-50 pounds before 2011 is over. Ideally, I'd like to lose 50, but I feel like that might be a bit excessive. I think 30 is a good starting point, and if I lose more than 30 before the end of the year, hey, I'm not going to complain.

My plan:
*Spend 2 hours per day applying for jobs (equivalent of 6 applications submitted)
*Work out in the workout room for 30 minutes per day 5 times per week
*Do a workout video 5 times per week
*Go on a walk once per week
*Once the pool is open [yes, we have a pool] go swimming or lay out in the sun for at least an hour 3 times per week
*Once I get a job, pay off my bills and old debts, THEN... get new sexy, "skinny" clothes and start dressing the way I want and treat Trevor like a prince, the way he deserves to be treated

Lose 50 Pounds in 2011 (Or what's left of it anyway)

Staring weight:
5/23/11= 255

June:
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October: 
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November 
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December: 
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Pounds lost in 2011!!!
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Crazy Ramblings

In the words of Bethany Dillon : "I wanna be beautiful, make you stand in awe. Look inside my heart and be amazed. I want to hear you say that who I am is quite enough."

I know this is a religious song but I like to think of it as a song about general beauty, inside and outside. I am beautiful on the inside and the outside but I know I can be so much more beautiful when I can look in the mirror and see it. Nothing is more beautiful than a happy person that is finally accepting of how they are. That is what I want: to look in the mirror and LOVE what I see. I have days where I look in the mirror and I like what I see. But, like isn't good enough for me. I want to be in love with the way I look, not in a vain or conceited way, but in a way where people can see that I love myself. In a way where I can be healthy enough to love others properly. In a way where I can be comfortable enough and love myself enough to fall in love. My self-esteem/body issues have held me back for years. I'm always afraid to be rejected because I'm the fat girl and if I am rejected I write it off as being because I'm the fat girl. I also find myself being attracted to "unattainable" people. If I already I know I can't have them, then when I get rejected it's because, "Well, they never would have liked me anyway, because I'm fat". No more. I want to be confident enough to walk up to someone and not feel uncomfortable.

Well, that's all for tonight. I'm off to bed.

Goodbye Fat and Hello Fab!!
Love,
Addy

My Transformation Plan

I have a lot of plans for my body and myself in the coming years. I'd thought I'd share them with my readers and friends. Feel free to sound off or ask questions. I'm doing this ALL for myself and for no one else. I want that to remain perfectly clear to everyone before I tell you all my plans. I'm doing all of this to make myself feel better and to look the way I want to look to be happy. I know that my friends and family love me the way I am and I don't NEED to change a thing. They're right, I don't, but I want to.

Here's the plan: [Yes, these things are going to happen in this order.]
1) Get down to my goal weight (130-150 pounds)
2) Maintain that for 1 1/2-2 years
3) Get my nose fixed. I'm just getting the bump on the side and top of my nose removed.
4) Boob job. I want Cs or small Ds. Plus mine are set too far apart (I can't have cleavage, it looks funny) and are already very saggy at 20 years old. I can't imagine what they'll look like when I'm 40 if I don't fix them soon. I'm going to lose boob weight as I lose more body weight and they're going to shrink. I want them biggish and fixed.
5) Laser hair removal. If I accomplish #1 and #2, I deserve to mot have to shave and wax anymore.
6) Porcelain veneers. Permanently white, perfect teeth? Yes, please.

I'm so excited to hit my goal weight and start my transformation. I don't want to look fake, I just want to look good. If I get to where I want to be and feel I don't need or want these things, then I won't go through with them, but for now this is what I want.

You're amazing just the way you are

Hey all. It's been a while. I've been busy with working and now, with school.

Guess how much I weigh??????

*Drum roll please*

240 pounds! Ha ha ha ha ha! That's 36 pounds lost. I never thought I'd make it to the 20 pound mark, and now I've almost doubled it. Now I only have 110 pounds. I CAN do this! I WILL do this! I HAVE TO do this!

Now, for the bad part. I can't tell the difference, other than the numbers of the sizes on my clothes are going down. I still look in the mirror and see this girl that weighs almost 300 pounds. I'm so terrified that that feeling will NEVER go away. What if I get down to my goal weight (130 pounds) and still see this fat load in the mirror? I know it won't be a waste of my time but, it just feels like I'm going nowhere. It's discouraging. I keep asking myself, "Will I ever get there?". I want this so badly and it's slowly becoming more and more within my reach. It's so scary. I've been fat for 20 years and someday soon I won't be anymore. It's mind-blowing. I really want to see what I'm going to look like thin. I'm scared that my face is going to look different. I'm sure it will look the same, just thinner but I've been looking at this face for years. Ugh. This journey is so complicated.

I made a weight chart for my dorm room wall. It's on a giant poster board and I hung it up over my bed so I always have to look at it for motivation and a reminder of how well I'm doing. I bought those circular moving/garage sale stickers that come in green, yellow, and pink to mark my progress with: pink if I lose, yellow if I maintain, and green if I gain. So far there's two dots on the chart, both are pink. :D I'm hoping to keep the chart to only pink and yellow dots but I know there will be some green ones on there and I will move past those big, ugly green dots and collect more pink ones.

The top dot is 249# and the next one is 243#. You can see my "Wonder-Wall", as I like to call it. It's all beautiful women to keep me motivated. I have Megan Fox, P!nk, Rihanna, Beyonce, Marilyn Monroe, Kim & Khloe Kardashian, Lady Gaga, Katy perry, Shakira, Eva Mendes, and Leighton Meester on the wall so far. Plus, I have pics of Megan Fox, Lady Gaga, and Kim Kardashian in my closet (where I keep my food). So that way I have to look at them everytime I want (or "want") a snack and actually have to think about it, instead of stuffing my face.

So, I'm currently waiting for my loan money to come in so I can go get my gym membership and work out 5 times/week with Connor and Amanda. I'd like to lose 15 pounds by my birthday (January 6th), which is in 16 weeks. That's put my at 225. I really wanted to weigh under 200 by my birthday but plans change and I need to lose slowly so I can maintain my weight once I get to where I wanna be. I think 15 pounds in 16 weeks is reasonable.

This is my workout plan:
45-60 minutes of cardio 5x per week
Toning workouts on my closet door/Ab work 4x per week
Plus the walk over to the gym, not sure how long it is but I'm dreading it.

On Sparkpeople.com I'm participating in a Biggest Loser Challenge. I'm on Team 5, the FAT SMASHERS. Our challenge is, instead of 'Before' and 'After' pictures, we were instructed to pick out a piece of clothing that doesn't fit or that we want to fit us better by the end of the 8-week challenge. I chose my new jeans (Size 18s, thank you very much. I haven't worn a size 18 anything since the 11th grade and those were almost painfully tight on me.) that I bought just before moving up St. Cloud, which was about 3 weeks ago. Every week we have to take a picture in the garment and, hopefully, by the end of the challenge I'll have to hold those jeans up for my picture. Or, since I'm silly and sometimes inappropriate, I'll just let them hang around my knees or wherever they happen to fall. Here is my week 1 picture:
And, yes, I did post this on my SparkPage. I got a comment about how brave I was to post it. I'm not brave enough to put it directly on Facebook, once I'm down a little bit more weight, I'll be braver and add them to my weight loss photo album on Facebook, as a look back to where I used to be. I'll be posting one of these every week for the next 6 weeks. I'm so excited to have these to be able to take a look back and see some progress. Once I start working out, the weight is going to just melt off. I know it. Plus, Amanda knows how bad I want this and I know she'll kick my ass. (I've never been more scared or more excited. Well, I have but we're not going to talk about that here.)

In the BLC, we have a pledge and it just makes me smile. So, I decided to share it with whoever reads this blog. :)

The Pledge:

I Pledge that during the BLC I will...
...be good to my body and fill it with healthy foods and enough water to drown a fish.
...treat myself and my teammates with kindness and RESPECT.
...weigh in every week, no matter if I lost, gained, or stayed the same.
...follow ALL of the rules of the contest, and ask my group leader if I have any questions.
...ask for help and support when I need it, and give others help and support when they need it.
...NOT give up on myself or my teammates, no matter what!

So, there is this song on the radio that I am just obsessed with. It's by Bruno Mars and it's called "Just the Way You Are". Here are the lyrics and a link to the music video. Make sure you watch the music video, it is really cool.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LjhCEhWiKXk
*DISCLAIMER: I do not own this song or video. All rights go to Bruno Mars and his record company.*

Oh, her eyes, her eyes, make the stars look like they're not shining
Her hair, her hair, falls perfectly without her trying
She's so beautiful, and I tell her every day
Yeah, I know, I know, when I compliment her she won't believe me
And it's so, it's so, sad to think that she don't see what I see
But every time she asks me do I look ok, I say
When I see your face, there's not a thing that I would change
Because you're amazing, just the way you are
And when you smile, the whole world stops and stares for a while
Because girl you're amazing, just the way you are
Her lips, her lips, I could kiss them all day if she let me
Her laugh, her laugh, she hates but I think it's so sexy
She's so beautiful, and I tell her every day
Oh, you know, you know, you know, I'd never ask you to change
If perfect's what you're searching for then just stay the same
So, don't even bother asking if you look ok
You know I'll say
When I see your face, there's not a thing that I would change
Because you're amazing, just the way you are
And when you smile, the whole world stops and stares for a while
Because girl you're amazing, just the way you are
The way you are, the way you are
Girl you're amazing, just the way you are
When I see your face, there's not a thing that I would change
Because you're amazing, just the way you are
And when you smile, the whole world stops and stares for a while
Because girl you're amazing, just the way you are. Yeah.

I just love this song. It's so nice to hear this instead of big booty hoe songs. I want to find a guy that could sing this song to me and mean EVERY SINGLE WORD. That's what I want and I don't want to settle for anything less than that. While I am losing weight and planning other cosmetic changes for myself in the future, I am doing those things for myself, not for a guy. Preferably, I'd like to find a guy that loves me just the way I am BEFORE I do the procedures, but, life doesn't go according to your plan. I agree that beauty is on the inside and in the eye of the beholder, but there is something to be said for physical attractiveness. That's what usually draws two people together, one finds one attractive or they find each other attractive. I know that I'm beautiful, don't get me wrong, I'm a beautiful woman. I just can't wait until my body matches my face. I can't wait until I have a beautiful, new body that I'm not constantly trying to keep covered or hide. Not that once I'm thin I'll be running around naked, but it'd be nice to not constantly make sure my shirt isn't riding up in the back or that my arm fat isn't hanging out of my sleeves. I can't wait. Well, I have to but I'm just so excited. :)

Well, I'm just over 7 months into this life changing, mind altering, terrifying journey. I've lost 36 pounds and 3 pant/dress sizes. I'm looking forward to (but not at the same time) losing even more weight and taking control over my body and my life.

Thanks for reading! I'll be trying to update this more often!

So Long Fat, Hell-o Fab!
Love,
Addy :)